Maybe I don’t want my old life back. Maybe I dream of something completely different.
You’d think that after a severe deterioration of chronic illness, including a new diagnosis and significant mental overwhelm, I’d be yearning for my old life back, the life I was living before this big change occurred. Well surprisingly, no. That’s not quite how I’ve been feeling recently, so let’s explore that shall we?
I’ve come to this strange point in my life, at 29 years old, where I’ve realised the version of my future I had been working towards, doesn’t quite fit anymore. Not necessarily because I have failed but because I’ve learnt the things in life that are important to me (I will go into details about this in a separate blog post).
I thought I knew what I wanted to achieve in my life, the career, the house, the money, the business, keep busy, keep achieving, never disappoint. Now don’t get me wrong, I still appreciate some of these things and know that some are important, however, my body didn’t seem to agree with that sentiment.
At the end of spring / start of the summer this year, not long after leaving my bedside nursing job, my body forced me to slow down. Of course, I fought it to begin with. No way was I going down without a fight! I’m a busy, hardworking woman that is always go, go, go, I can’t have a rest, don’t be stupid. But then something happened, forced acceptance, my body gave me no choice. I had to stop everything. Work, hobbies, daily activities, everything, just so I could claw some of my energy back. I think a lot of us see slowing down as something temporary, something you do until you get better, then it’s back to the rat race and not having a second to breathe. But what if that isn’t something I want to get back to?
What if a slow, gentle life is actually what I’ve been craving this whole time? It’s easy to be sucked in to the world of optimisation, productivity and achievement. Social media can be cruel in that way. Optimisation of your morning routine, how to be more productive, how to fit more work and more hours into your day, how can we track our sleep more effectively, how many calories can we burn in 30 minutes, how can we invest more effectively, the list goes on. It can be overwhelming. But I’m learning that life doesn’t have to be perfectly optimised, endlessly productive or constantly improving. Maybe sometimes, it’s enough to simply be.
I’m becoming increasingly drawn to a slower way of living, despite being an incredibly ambitious person. I’m starting to question why ambition has to mean constantly doing more. I’m interested in finding different ways of working, creating a life with more space and intention, and building little rituals that make the ordinary or even painful days feel meaningful. Meditation, self-care, rest, relationships and friendships, making things, and simply having time to breathe are becoming just as important to me now as productivity and achievement. I want to create a life that feels good to actually live, rather than one that only looks good on paper.
I don’t have all the answers. This blog is where I’ll be exploring chronic illness, nursing, beauty, work, creativity, womanhood, Buddhism, ambition, slowing down and just figuring out what is going to come next. So if you’d like to come along for the ride with me, do keep coming back to read my blog and check out my socials. I’m also intrigued to hear other people’s experiences with change, chronic illness and slowing down and I always love connecting with others so feel free to message me at anytime.
As Miranda Hart writes in her incredible book, I haven’t been entirely honest with you, “free your wild self”.
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